Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Now that the controversy has subsided


Let's review.

Chipmunks are not necessarily chipmunks. Gophers are not necessarily gophers. And both are squirrels. So I suppose you could say that they are all kissing cousins, although it would be more accurate to say that they're like feuding family members. Grey squirrels belong on top. They will chase away most birds, except for hawks, which would have a squirrel for lunch, and except for crows and grackles, which pretty much hold their own against squirrels.

Occasionally, they help each other. For instance, when the squirrel is hanging upside down from a bird feeder, it inevitably gets the thing to swing every which way, causing a substantial portion of the feed--black sunflower seeds, preferably--to scatter on the ground below. Well, the grackles, which are a bit too big to be comfortable on a lot of bird feeders, and the mourning doves and sparrows and finches and, well, you name it, feed on the loose seed nestled in the blades of grass. Mourning doves are particularly crabby about flying up and perching at feeders; they prefer to do the chicken dance on the ground. Even rabbits, which are not so good at climbing trees, will mosey along and help themselves to a stray seed or two (but, competition-wise, squirrels usually, but not always, roust rabbits away from their favorite feeding spots--even when the rabbits seem to barely notice).

But let's get back to the feuding and the fighting part. If you were a gambling person, put your money on the squirrel every time. It will easily chase off gophers, unless it's in a good mood; then it might tolerate a gopher or two--unless they enter its zone of no-gophers-allowed, which is about two feet, give or take. And the squirrel doesn't even have to bother with Chip-Chip and his kin (who have largely died off; more about that later) because the tough little gopher--I mean 13-lined ground squirrel (which is really a squirrel, just not the grey squirrel, rendering my previous comments sort of incorrect and correct at the same time)--will chase off the chipmunk. This pecking order never deviates. Chip-Chip is always at the bottom.

So if you were to bet, don't bet on the chipmunk. And before you bet, make sure it's legal in your state. I'm not advocating outlaw behavior by any means. And if you consistently lose at betting, despite what I've said, perhaps you should avoid the enterprise altogether. Put your money in CD's or Google or annuities.

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